Gross Baby

So, I used to be relatively healthy and eat fruits and vegetables and also weird things like banana peppers which, while not everyone's cup of tea, are not junk food or anything. Now that I'm possessed, it's a whole different story. We've had the goldfish phase, the turkey-and-whoppers-together phase, the key lime yogurt phase, and right now we're onto grapefruits and chocolate milk. (Not together. Come on.) But probably the grossest phase so far took place between the key lime yogurt phase and the grapefruit one.
One day I was sitting at my desk trying to decide when to eat lunch and I got really hungry, so I sat there and thought about it in order to figure out what Mr. Fetus wanted today. "Do you want the nice key lime yogurt I brought you?" I said.
"No!"
"But you love key lime yogurt."
"Not anymore," said the baby. "Now I like donuts."
I frowned. "I am not gaining 60 pounds for you. That's ridiculous. You just want a mom that can't chase you when you do something bad because she has to roll instead of walk."
"I want donuts."
"But you love key lime yogurt!" I insisted. "Come on, don't do this to me. We still have half a container of goldfish at home because after a week of eating nothing but goldfish, you suddenly decided you didn't like them anymore. In the middle of eating them."
Mr. Fetus said, "Give me a donut. I own you."
I would like to bear my testimony that this is true. Mr. Fetus and I spend a lot of time over the toilet every morning barfing our guts up, just because Dustin came within breathing distance.
"Okay," I sighed. "We will get you a donut and then you will shut up."
"With mayonnaise," said the baby.
"No way! Dumb baby, that's not how you eat donuts. We need to get you born and properly socialized so you don't do stuff like that in public."
So I went and got a maple bar and it was the best food of my life. (Don't judge me.) I had to be very careful walking past the mayonnaise packets in the Twilight Zone, but I managed not to give in because okay, mayonnaise on top of donuts...why don't I just eat shortening instead? Or garbage? It's probably healthier and better-tasting. My tummy thought it sounded sooo good, but my brain thought it sounded sooo retarded. So I didn't do it and I am very proud of myself.
Unfortunately the bizarre craving lasted for a whole week. I never did give in. Now we're safely in the grapefruit and chocolate milk zone and it's a lot more pleasant. And I realized that the baby is just jealous of me because he craves all these things but never gets to taste them and that's the joy of eating through an umbilical cord, haha baby. Sweet revenge.